Anni Piper

Men Are Like Potato Chips

Sugar Daddy Records

Australian-born Anni Piper first started playing guitar at the age of twelve but switched to bass two years later. She was first influenced by listening to the blues-rock of Stevie Ray Vaughan. She released her debut recording, Jailbait, in 2004. She signed with Bluesleaf Records and between 2008 and 2013 released three albums. Due to her wardrobe and pin-up modeling, she has been called the “Bettie Page of the Blues,” and she is not afraid to use her feminine wiles, as it’s been said she can “lull men to their doom.”

Anni Piper, on bass and vocals, is joined by her son Flynn Piper on backing vocals; guitarists Ted Swanson and Tim Langford (Too Slim and the Taildraggers) on one track; keyboardists Steve Kerlin and Ted Swanson; drummers Brian Foxworth and Joe Trump; and percussionist Jimi Bott. The horn section of John Dover, trumpet, and Chris Shuttleworth, tuba, is added on some tracks. The album is co-produced by Jimi Bott and Ted Swanson and recorded and mixed by Bott at Roseleaf Recording in Portland, Oregon.

In 2014, Piper relocated to the States. She has followed up with 2016’s More Guitars Than Friends and 2020’s Blow Up Doll. She now resides in Portland, Oregon. Overall, this is the seventh studio recording from Piper. The nine songs that make up the recording include eight originals and one carefully chosen cover. Piper has performed at festivals and distinguished blues venues in over forty states, breaking hearts and taking names everywhere she goes.

Piper opens with “Devil Bride,” as she sings, “Standing at the alter, you’re expecting white, but my dress is red and yes it’s latex tight, you won’t even notice the lack of a bouquet and a gleaming pitchfork is more stylish anyway, you’re realizing your mistake before you even cut the cake I’ve lied I’m no angel I’m your devil bride…said that I was horny, I told you on the phone, protrusions from my temples appear to have grown, marriage is always about showing you your heart after I cut it out, I’ll take your name and then your soul, come be my little voodoo doll, confide in your devil bride, in your devil bride, in your devil bride.” Included is a nice guitar solo from Swanson as Anni pounds out the bassline.

On “Naughty Nurse,” Piper chimes, “Verify your date of birth because you look pathetic, heart rate is too slow and your skin is diaphoretic, oh baby I won’t need to telephone a hearse. Today’s your lucky day, your appointment’s with the naughty nurse, you need some attention whether medical or not, from a trained professional who happens to be smoking hot, Oh baby, medicare will always reimburse, today’s your lucky day, your appointment’s with the naughty nurse. Now I can’t diagnose ’cause I am not supposed to tell you I think you have heart failure, but I can kiss you down under and you won’t need to wonder, how we will treat you in Australia. I can get your IV started if you really need me to, just realize mister, it’s me penetrating you, oh baby, your predicament could be much worse today’s your lucky day your appointment is with the naughty nurse,” with Swanson on guitar and organ by Steve Kerlin.

The title track, “Men Are Like Potato Chips,” features Piper as she chants, “Men are like potato chips, they go to my thighs or they go straight to my hips, and when all is said and done, lordy I can’t stop at one. Some are salty, some are corny and they make me so damn horny. Men are like potato chips, I can’t stop at one,” with piano from Kerlin and Chris Shuttleworth on tuba.

On “Cactus Girl,” Piper moans, “I’m a cactus girl honey I’m a prickly pear, I’m a cactus girl I’m a prickly pear, some find me abusive baby but you know I just don’t care. I’m a cactus girl, don you try to touch my spines…I’ll impale you on the spot boy if you try your pickup lines, I’m a cactus girl I’m as juicy as can be…you know I’m so wet inside but you’ll never open me,” with guitar and organ from Swanson and Joe Trump on drums.

“Cheetah” features Piper as she growls, “Boy before we met I was a cheetah, not just one offense I’m a repeater, take time to decide if I’m a keeper, boy before we met I was a cheetah…Boy before we met I was a cheetah, a woman will treat you the way you treat her, I could change my spots you’re so much sweeter, boy before we met I was a cheetah,” with Swanson on guitar and trumpet from John Dover.

On “Stalker,” Piper wails, “Like a puppy on a chain you follow me around, but it’s just not quite the same you’re an old hellhound, waiting for me in the rain your hoping I might drown, and your eyes are just insane. I think I’m going down to this nightwalker I’ve got a stalker and the one who can’t let go of course he is my ex, and I’m terrified that he’s wanting more than sex, to put his hands around my throat to show he’s in control, then he’ll choke the life right out, there’s no 911 call to this nightwalker, I’ve got a stalker, I’ve got a stalker,” with Swanson and Kerlin.

“Match with a Sasquatch” features Piper as she belts out, “I’m getting tired of tinder, I’m uninspired by bumble, if your profile shows hirsutism, then I could be ready to rumble, I wanna match with a sasquatch…I don’t find him scary, I just like him hairy. I got big feet like Uma Thurman, built like I’m a general Sherman, I’m stuck out in the Pacific Northwest and while I’m here I gonna try my best, I’m gonna make a match with a sasquatch…ain’t nothing about him’s small my primate date is ten feet tall,” with some great drumming from Brian Foxworth.

On “Angel from Montgomery,” the lone cover, written by John Prine in 1971, Anni cries, “I am an old woman, named after my mother, my old man is another child who’s grown old. If dreams were thunder, and lightning were desire, this old house would’ve burned down a long time ago. Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery, make me a poster of an old rodeo, just give me one thing that I can hold on to, to believe in this livin’ is just a hard way to go.”

On the closer, “F.I.G.J.A.M.,” the announcer yells, “Ladies and gentleman, Miss Anni Piper’s in the house,” as Anni continues, “boys, wanna know what I’m like in bed (uhhuh, uhhuh), erotic skills must have gone to my head, I have a Masters and a PhD, a double major in brain salad surgery. I got some figjam, show you how sexy I am figjam, fuck I’m good just ask me, figjam, I show you how sexy I am, figjam, fuck I’m good just ask me…(I didn’t spend my hard earned dollars on this pornographic filth, oh my!)…take all your clothes off so things get absurder, your custard, catapult should meet my self-saucing fur burger, figjam, said (did she just use the ‘f’ word, oh my, this is not a blues recording!).”

Piper unabashedly states, “It’s been more than twenty years since I released my first album. Over time, I got tired of hearing that I needed to be careful not to be too sexy, and finally I said ‘f**k that’. I’m a sensual person, and I’ve been doing this too long to not release art that authentically reflects my personality.”

We agree that Anni Piper does not do the typical style of blues that we are accustomed to. She is uniquely artistic and fun, and that’s why we love her. Thank you, Anni.

Richard Ludmerer

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